And by hot, I mean barely hanging on but in an endearing way. The kind of person who radiates main character energy while actively dissociating in a Trader Joe’s.

My hands? Frigid. My mental state? 2011 Tumblr.

I’m not hot in the conventional sense — I’m hot in a “why does she have three beverages and a thousand-yard stare?” kind of way. In a “she smells like Yves Saint Laurent and crisis” way.

I have seventeen tabs open — six are articles I’ll never read, two are personality quizzes, one is “Do I have Lyme disease?” and the rest are just vibes.

I wake up every morning and immediately check my phone for something I already forgot. Then I scroll until I feel nothing. Then, I meditate for four minutes and declare myself healed. Then I cry in my car.

I can appear composed while unraveling at a molecular level. I show up, get things done, and then sever for three hours under the guise of “rest.” I’ve rewatched the same show five times just to feel something familiar. I’ve opened Instagram to escape, only to be met with someone’s baby announcement and a sponsored post for weighted blankets. I closed the app and stared into the void. It stared back.

I am equal parts confident and crumbling. Stunning and spiraling. I romanticize my own downfall. I cry and then say “but it’s kind of aesthetic.” I make to-do lists so detailed that they exhaust me before I begin. I light a candle before doing nothing. I call it ritual.

I believe in fate, karma, and also that I can subtly control the universe by thinking really hard about something for eight hours straight.

Sometimes, I wonder how I come across. I want to look like I know what I’m doing, but also like I didn’t try that hard. Like I could give a TED Talk or vanish into the fog. I want people to think, She’s enigmatic, not She’s definitely being medicated for anxiety.

I rehearse casualness. I curate chaos. I try to look effortless while silently begging to be perceived as both complex and low-maintenance. Beautiful but not trying. Chill but haunted. The human version of a well-worn leather jacket with a tragic backstory.

I don’t want to be the girl who has it all together, I want to be the girl who makes not having it all together look aspirational.

The truth is, I want to be seen — in the best light, from the most flattering angle, at a safe emotional distance. I want to be understood, but not fully. That would be terrifying. I want to be witnessed in passing, preferably while doing something cinematic, like walking briskly with headphones in and a look of quiet determination.

There’s a certain power in being perceived incorrectly. If you think I’m mysterious, that’s on you — I was just trying to remember if I left the stove on or if I’ve disappointed someone recently. If you think I’m cool, that’s the eyeliner talking — and even she’s hanging on by a wing and a prayer. If you think I’m okay, thank you. I’ve worked very hard on the illusion. I have built it carefully. Meticulously.

It’s my armor and my art. My coping mechanism and my calling card.

It keeps the world at bay and lets me feel, even briefly, in control of how much I’m letting in and how much I’m letting show.

It’s a magic trick. A defense strategy. A form of hope, maybe. That if I look fine long enough, I’ll eventually feel fine, too.

The truth is, I’m less femme fatale, more feral friend you find sitting on the floor of a bookstore. Soft in a way that’s hard to explain. Tender in all the inconvenient places. I bruise easily, but I’ll laugh about it so you don’t have to worry. I’ll turn the ache into a punchline before anyone can notice the limp.

But you wouldn’t know that from across the room.

And that’s the point.

So no, I’m not hot. But I am out here. Pale, slightly clammy, carrying a crystal I found on the sidewalk, and doing my best.

And maybe that’s enough. Maybe that’s more than survival. Maybe it’s strength.

Because through it all, hot girls have cold hands and deep existential dread.

And frankly? We’re holding society together.

If you made it this far, click that itty-bitty digital organ! ❤️

Buy me a coffee ☕